captain_jtkirk | .015

"Stop being grumpy over something that's not even your problem." [Kirk more or less says this into his shirt turned pillow, curling around it tighter.] "And I take risks. Who cares? It's my life. I'll do what I want with it."

It's not just your life anymore. You have over four hundred people looking to you for guidance, several of them friends who actually give a damn about that life of yours. [He half glares, half simply regards Kirk, unsure if he even wants to touch this subject right now. It was a damned long day- he's not sure he'd have the energy for it on a good one.] You know sometimes I wonder if you realize that.

[Kirk sighs, debating throwing the wadded up shirt at his friend and then following it up with a punch, just because that's how he deals with emotional shit. He beats it down and fights it off, and never, ever deals with it.

He doesn't throw the shirt but he does sit up, passing his fingers through his hair.] "I'm gonna take my chances with the lynch mob if you're gonna start questioning dedication to my crew."

[It's not really an easy fight to have since they're both on the Barge where three hundred and ninety eight members of his crew are not.]

"I know people count on me, Bones. I'm well aware of that. And you know, they also count on me to save their asses and this hasn't really come up yet but if it's a choice between me or them, it's gonna be me. It's always gonna be me."

I never said I questioned that you idiot. [He huffs, suppressing a sigh.] And I'm not talking about the times it's necessary for you to put your life in danger for them, I'm talking about the rest of the time. Can you seriously, sincerely tell me you aren't self destructive? I've known you for almost four years now Jim, this isn't a new occurrence.

[Right. This is not what he had in mind when he asked Bones to give him a place to stay. He's seriously considering facing the lynch mob. That's way easier then dealing with his issues.

Fuck his issues. Seriously, fuck them straight to hell.]

"Then why are you harping on it now? You have known me for almost four years. You know what I'm like. It hasn't been a big deal before. So why now? The alcoholism really bother you that much? You of all people?"

[He doesn't address that alcohol comment but his tone gets just a bit sharper.] Because Jim, before you always had something to focus on. Academy and proving Pike your ridiculous three year dare, the Enterprise, whatever god forsaken mission the Admiralty would send us on. I never felt the need to 'harp' because, god forbid, you were maturing your own damned way. But now?

[He gestured vaguely.] Every since I got here I've watched you flounder. You've been pulling steadily more dangerous stunts because that's what you do. Admit it Jim, the rest of these idiots may not see it but I sure as hell can. You've always been a god damned ticking time bomb.

"What do you really want me to say, Bones?"

[Kirk glares at him, wincing a little bit because his headache is coming back full force.]

"That I have fucking problems? Gold star to you for that one. You must be fucking psychic or something to figure that one out." [His tone is scathing and sarcastic and full of twenty five years of bitterness.]

"And if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not dwell on them. Can't do anything about them now. Nero's dead. So whatever. Moving on time."

Damnit Jim, "rather not dwell." You brush everything under the table and ride each adrenaline high for all it's worth until you crash. And now there are no adrenaline high, or not enough, and you don't know what to do, do you?

[He glares right back.] What I want is to make sure you don't end up cracking your fool skull open trying to find that damned high. Do you want me to cite regulation? A CMO's duty to make sure the ship's captain is fit for command physically and mentally?

[He sighs, rubbing his temple.] I say it because you're my friend Jim, and you've sure as hell kept me sane. Now stop sweeping this shit under the table and help me here. "Moving on" my ass.

[Something inside of Kirk just snaps right then and he launches into a rant he's probably been holding in since that mind meld with the older Spock.]

"My dad died a minute after I was born. My mother was never around and I'm guessing that she isn't around now because she can't to look at me because I look like him. I haven't spoken to my brother in years and I honestly have no idea where he is. My stepfather is a drunk asshole. The only decent father figure I've ever had is Pike and the only thing he's done for me was fucking dare me to join Starfleet.

And all of it was for nothing.

[Jim is practically seething at this point and he really, really wants to punch something right now. That's what he would've done three years ago.]

"There's some fucking alternate version of me running around out there and he got everything that I don't have and yeah, I'm fucking pissed off that we're living the shitty version of how things are supposed to be. And god only knows what else got fucked up because of Nero. I can't kill him again because I really, really want to."

[Bones stays quiet for all that- it was what he was expecting, what he technically wanted. It would have made him feel better if he weren't busy scowling, arms crossed as he waited for the tirade to end.]

[When it did he moved forward, pointing at Jim as he did so.] Now you listen here Jim, I don't give a damned what those idiots say, we are not some "shitty version" of a life. It's our god damned lives and we're doing a hell of a lot better than those other fools did. We- you - cleaned up their mess in less than two days and with a hell of a lot less opportunity getting there. We've all done more than those high and mighty counterparts of ours have done in three years time, just like you said you would.

[The mini rant slowed and he sighed, drawing his hand back and tone not quite as driving.] It was not for nothing Jim, and you damned well know that. You can't keep begrudging a man for a life you didn't get to live. Nero's dead, his stubborn idiocy killed him, and here we are. You have your ship, you sure as hell have your father's respect and you have the lot of us to keep your fool ass alive. It may not seem like enough right now but you'll come around.

"I am so fucking sick of people telling me what I should do and what I should be like. It's my life. I'll do whatever the hell I want with it and I don't really give a flying fuck if no one agrees with it because I am not dying the product of someone else's design."

[He seems rather determined about this. He got dealt the really shitty hand but he's not going to spend his life living up to someone else.]

"And by the way, asshole, you have no right to lecture me on how I deal with stuff. Since I've never felt like someone was making me leave the planet."

So you're dying by your own design? How is that any better- it's insane Jim.

[Ok, now he's glaring.] And we're not talking about me now are we? Because I'm not the one sticking my neck out on the chopping block. I chose to leave the planet because I fucked up my damned life, not to "deal" with anything. You, on the other hand, have a good life going for you right now but you still feel the need to pull some of this shit. I don't know how many good friends you've had Jim, but I'll tell you they usually try to stop that behavior you stubborn ass.

"I'm kind of looking at the only good friend right now."

[To be technical though, Kirk is mumbling at his shoes right then but the idea is there. Bones is his first and only true friend. He thinks that maybe his brother could've held that title but the whole abandonment to Frank's dictatorship did nothing to endear James to his older sibling.]

"Getting an adrenaline high is the only thing I really enjoy doing. Why do you think I want to go into space so badly? Everything else is boring and spare me the lecture about what happens when I get bored."

Yeah well, I'll let you in on a secret. I have this annoying habit of trying to keep people alive, especially the danger prone and my friends- or any mix of the two.

[Bones suppresses a sigh, moving over and taking a seat on the end of the bed, expression his usual 'I'm way too old for this shit' but surprisingly without complaint.]

I don't know Jim, to boldly go where no one has or whatever that bullshit they say. I don't expect you to change that, but it'd be a hell of good gesture if you learned your life has more worth than you credit it.

[Jim isn't going to make any promises to that effect because he's working against twenty two years of not giving a shit about his life and that's really just a hard habit to break.

So he's going back to brushing it under the rug and leaning on his old friend tasteless humor for a while.]

"You'd cry if I died, wouldn't you Bones?"

[And McCoy notices him keeping mum, giving him a pointed look. It was an on going project alright.]

Shut up Jim. [He nudges him none too gently.] You're assuming I'm going to let you die so easily.

"I actually don't want you to cry if I die."

[Jim is looking thoughtful, completely ignoring the pointed look and batting away the hand that shoved him.]

"I don't anybody to cry. Too much grieving has been done over a Kirk. So if I ever slip past your defenses and go out in flaming glory, you better not cry or I'm haunting your ass."

Edited 2009-08-16 02:17 (UTC)

[McCoy's brow rose at that look. He kept quiet a moment before shaking his head in what looked a little like amusement.]

Unbelievable. [He sighs and waves his hand.] You're going to have to keep alive if you want that. Can you even imagine how Chekov would react? Or Scotty, he'd probably write you a Scottish ballad and recite it through drunken tears at your grave.

"I want songs. And a holiday in my honor. And like... a giant statue or something. And lots and lots of drinking. Celebrate how blessed you were to have me in your life."

[Jim is smirking to himself. He does want a party instead of a memorial service because memorial services are boring and too depressing and everyone has one of those.]

"You have my permission to stick Scotty with a hypo if he's going to be a girl about it. Maybe not Chekov. But Spock! You can definitely stick him. He won't cry but stick him anyway. To appease my restless spirit."

Edited 2009-08-16 03:37 (UTC)

[Bones rolls his eyes.] Damnit Jim, we're talking about how you aren't going to get killed. Only you could turn that conversation into funeral arrangements. [He severely wishes there was a pillow in arms length he could smack the captain's thick head with.]

If you promise to try and keep alive I'll have a hypo with the green blooded bastard's name on it next time we see him. You can be around to enjoy the show.

"Can I stick him?"

[Jim's eyes are lighting up and he looks very much like an excited little kid at the prospect of being able to give his First Officer a hypospray. It's a sadistic dream that he has, in revenge for those bruises that peppered his neck for weeks.]

"I'll do whatever you want, Bones, if you let me give him one."

[Bones pinches the bridge of his nose. He wonders if Spock will go for this under the guise of keeping the captain alive and well. Vulcan's and their duty.]

Promise me you'll get better with this self destructive shit and I'll give you one full of chocolate extract to stick him with.

[Kirk smiles easily. He's got something that he wants and is giving up very little to get it. So he wins and Bones can go back to only worrying part of the time because after all, his definition of self destructive doesn't match his best friend's.]

"I promise to be a good boy and keep my head down for a while and I won't even provoke anyone. Well... I won't go out of my way to do it."

Right. Somehow I feel I'm getting jipped here. [Or like once again an attempt at working out kirk's issues gets practically no where. On going project, he reminds himself when hitting his head into the nearby wall a few times looks appealing.]

I'll be there with a hypo for you when Spock decides to 'vulcan pinch' you for the hundredth god damned time. [He nudges Kirk again and points.] And as long as you're staying here no provoking anyone. I swear if you work up a mob with that charm of yours and they come knocking on this door you're going to wish I just handed you over to them.

[It was a valiant effort anyway, at getting Kirk to change some of his ways. There's a good chance he actually will keep his head down and won't go out of his way to provoke anyone. Not until this whole mess blew over anyway.]

"Spock should know that assaulting a commanding officer is a treasonous offense and I'll just have to kick him right off my ship."

[Jim nudges the doctor back, still smiling.]

"Do I get to sleep on the bed or do you want me on the floor like a dog?"

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