captain_jtkirk | .015

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.015 - [Voice]

[Filtered to McCoy]

[There's a lot of groaning at first because someone tried to drink his body weight in alcohol over the weekend.]

Bones... hey Bones, my head kinda feels like someone tried to bash it in with a rock. Can you fix that?

And have you seen my shirt?

Oh and... can I stay with you for a while? In case of lynching mobs? I'd ask Chekov but I kinda think that he'd scream like a girl and give me up.

So if I crawl to you, you'll fix my brain. Right? Yes? Sound like a plan?

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[It was a valiant effort anyway, at getting Kirk to change some of his ways. There's a good chance he actually will keep his head down and won't go out of his way to provoke anyone. Not until this whole mess blew over anyway.]

"Spock should know that assaulting a commanding officer is a treasonous offense and I'll just have to kick him right off my ship."

[Jim nudges the doctor back, still smiling.]

"Do I get to sleep on the bed or do you want me on the floor like a dog?"

[That's more than McCoy would expect in all honesty. Score one for sanity.]

I think attacking your first officer with a hypo for kicks would be considered an abuse of authority.

[McCoy rolls his eyes and considers his first face off with Spock where Kirk was referred to as an untamed stallion. He can't help but snort at that- untrained dog too.]

Don't chew my slippers or hump anyone's leg and I'll allow the bed. Just make sure the door is locked when you're lounging about in here- Pavi is already convinced we're fucking and I am not fueling that idiot anymore.

"Wouldn't a locked door convince him even more of our illustrious affair?"

[Kirk has never met McCoy's Inmate but he's pretty sure that he likes the man. For all of the needless sexual comments that he makes. And you know, two tomcats have to stick together.]

"I mean, that's really all the proof that I'd need. And you sir, are clearly getting screwed in this bargain and not at all in the good way."

Oh it's 'illustrious' now is it? [He rolls his eyes. At least Kirk keeps his clothes on when they talk, that's more than he can say for Pavi.]

Fine, I'll reword- don't give him more reason to harass me with innuendo. He'll have plenty of time to come up with new material in the brig.

[McCoy doesn't even dignify that last bit with a response, he just leans over to grab a pillow and thoroughly smacks Jim with it.]

[Jim starts laughing before the pillow hits him and after that, he's practically howling with laughter. It takes him a full four minutes to calm down enough to from a sentence without having to pause for air.]

"Think of it this way, Bones. You were probably assigned to him because you're so good at dealing with me. And he's lucky to have you because under all that grumpiness, you actually give a shit about people."

[It's infectious- though he doesn't quite laugh the corners of his lips quirk and he tosses the pillow to the side of the bed, allowing himself another exaggerated roll of the eyes at the shit he puts up with.]

You don't think I haven't already blamed you for getting me stuck with him? 'Prior experience,' I wonder if it's in some record around here.

[He raises his brow.] You think complimenting me will make up for the fact it's your fault I'm stuck with him? [He says dryly before shaking his head.] You should hear the place this guy is from Jim, it's horror movie fodder. His father somehow comes up with the technology to build fake, working organs for transplant- for financing. If someone can't pay they actually repossess the organ. They legally kill people on the damned streets left and right.

[Jim makes a face at all of that, because while he's heard of some strange cultures and customs, that doesn't stop him from judging them.]

"Okay, you really can't blame that on me. We don't do anything like that in Iowa. Just cow tipping and tractor races."

[He gestures at his face.]

"How did the thing with his face turn out?"

Just give me a minute to try and imagine you drag racing tractors down the corn fields.

[He frowns slightly when the face issue is mentioned.] After he took that girl's face at port I took it away from him. He threw more of a tantrum about that than being stuck in the brig for a week.

"I also drove a car off a cliff, if you want to add that to your mental picture at all."

[Jim gives him a smug look for a few moments, then he gets serious.]

"Well, if I were him, I'd just find another way to get a new face. Or I'd do something worse then stealing someone's face, just to piss you off and then say that I told you so. If that helps at all."

The worst part is I don't doubt you did just that.

[He regards Jim seriously a moment when he predicts Pavi's next move, sighing as he leans back.]

I figured he'd lash back at the very least. What the hell am I supposed to do then Jim? This guy's been getting away with murder, literally, for years. I can't just give him his mask back and give him a slap on the wrists for killing a girl.

"Believe it, Bones. I was a real badass as a kid."

[That part really hasn't changed but he's moved on to things like space jumps instead of cliff diving cars.]

"Well... my offer to shoot him still stands. Or you could set up some kind of reward system? But it has to be something that he really wants and it has to seem like it was his idea. Don't give him back the real face but if he wants a normal mask, then why not?"

You really did didn't you? [He sighs.] You're a piece of work Jim. [It might be exasperated or fond. Or both really. Who knows.]

[He ponders that reward idea for a moment.] Like training a dog or working with a spoiled brat. Hell, it's worth a shot.

[Jim shrugs.] "It was my dad's car. Frank was gonna sell it. I stopped him from selling it." [He neglects to mention that his brother ran away from home on that same day because it doesn't seem as important. Death defying leaps are away cooler.]

"Just... think of how you'd get me to do something and then apply it to him. But I only listen to you because you give me free booze and patch me up when I need it."

[Bones just raises his brow, regarding Kirk a moment before apparently accepting the words.] Couldn't have hid it no, had to drive it off a cliff. At least you didn't crash it into something. [It takes a lot of effort not to go into stats and injuries for car accidents. You're welcome.]

[And he snorts.] Oh gee, thanks Jim, no need to be so touching with your reasoning there. [He rolls his eyes.] He's a spoiled brat who's never been told no. You worked for what you got, with a lot of trouble along the way- that and you're a decent guy when you're not mutinying.

"Yeah, Bones, I really should have hid the car. On a farm. In Iowa." [Kirk rolls his eyes right back at the man, because clearly the only place in Iowa that he's ever been is that shuttle they met on. Because Iowa is flat, flat, and more flat with an added dose of tattle tales who would've told Frank where the car was anyway.]

"I really don't like hearing no, so it's kind of the same thing." [There's a compliment somewhere in what Bones said and that makes him smile to himself.] "I'll still shoot him if you want."

What, don't you people have corn fields? [He waves his hand as if that were an obvious solution. As far as he knew of Iowa it was.]

Yes, but at least you expect to work for a yes if you hear 'no.' [He gives Jim a scowl.] No shooting- phaser, gun, I don't care. I'll just have to patch him up again.

"Corn dies in the fall, Bones. And then it doesn't grow back tall enough to hide a car until like July." [Jim gives him an equally obvious look because it makes sense to him. He didn't want Frank to have it at all. So destroying it was the best idea.

The young captain smirks and makes the sign of a gun with his fingers.] "Please. Stuns don't hurt and you'd love to shut up him for a while."

Fine, fine, it was logical to drive it off a cliff. [Too bad Spock wasn't there, he always enjoyed the look he got for daring to defile the sacred word. Snarking at Jim was workable too.]

[Bones swats at the 'gun.'] Remember that little bit about doctors 'doing no harm?' That counts for their trigger happy friends too.

"Thanks, Spock."

[The hand gesture persists, despite the fact that McCoy pretty much slapped his hand.] "Funny, they never taught me that in the command track. You must have forgotten that I'm not a doctor."

Do I look like a green blooded computer to you?

[Bones rolls his eyes at his failed attempt.] No, you're a hot shot space captain. What the hell do they teach you on the command track, shoot and run?

"The blue makes it a little confusing." [Kirk points at his own chest, like that proves his point. Even though he's not wearing his gold command tunic at the moment.]

"Generally they teach you how to aim and then shoot and then run away if you feel that's the best course of action. I'm personally not a fan of it."

Maybe you should start color coding us. [His tone is dry and his brow is quirked at that.]

What, you prefer the stand, shoot, get shot a few times so the away team needs to drag your ass back to the CMO approach?

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.015 - [Voice]

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