captain_jtkirk | .003 - food for thought

[You're a dirty Vulcan liar if you say you don't get uncomfortable by human emotions, and you know it. And let's be real, Kirk was a hot bed of emotions.

He flinched slightly when she initiated the meld, still not entirely used to the sensation of sharing a mind with someone, of literally being her and himself and KirkT'Pol all at the same time.]

[The flinch was met with a twitching muscle near her eye; her most recent experiences with melding before returning to the barge were foggy and unpleasant, and left her with a certain amount of concern over this. But she hid it, pushing beyond that oddness of sharing his mind to start searching it. With her experience, T'Pol created a corridor for him to visualize, hoping he would naturally follow the pattern and organize his thoughts.]

[This was different than being given information. It was actually a lot harder. The corridor metaphor would've worked well if he knew which figurative door to open.

He (they) went through a series of doors leading to memories, each one frustrating him just a little bit more. Command codes for the Enterprise, a list of names and faces of everyone that served on Enterprise, how it felt to be stranded on an ice planet running for his life and running into some other Spock from another universe, the night he'd stayed up writing the code to hack the Kobayashi Maru, a bar fight when he was sixteen (and he'd slammed the door on that one pretty quicky).

Then he gave an irritated huff (mentally), pulling away from the doors for a moment. Randomly picking ones wasn't working, so there had to be a pattern. He turned about, trying one to his right--and quickly giving up it for it was more memories towards his youth and not what he was going for here.

Jim went through another four doors like this, finding ones that were closer and closer to the time frame in question until finally he was down to just a handful. Then it was just eliminating the possibilities. One a month after he took command, the next a year after that, then it was--

There. It. There it was and--oh god and--fuck.

Kirk pulled himself out of the mindmeld, careless if any damage was being caused as he did it. All he cared about was closing off the connection like it would stop the flood of memories and emotions but it didn't really. But this was what he wanted. So. He couldn't really complain.]

"Shit." [He sighed and put a hand over his eyes.]

[She pulled back as quickly as he did, all but yanking her hand back. She'd had the presence of mind to be careful, to avoid damage to his neural pathways. For a moment, T'Pol sat very still - then she stood, turning toward her low dresser, back to Kirk.

The rush of emotions weren't her own, and it was difficult to suppress them; glimpses of a bar she'd never been to, an Enterprise she'd never set foot on, people she would never know. His memories of the barge were more of the same - unsettling.

It was a few moments before she turned to face him, feeling in control again.]

My apologies.

"Don't." [Kirk said shortly, shaking his head slightly and slowly lowering his hand. He continued to stare at the ground for a long moment, just going over what he remembered.

He remembered giving up. He remembered promising people that he wouldn't leave but when it came down to it, he was too selfish and too cowardly to keep that promise. He remembered that when he was confronted with a choice between his feelings and other people's feelings, he'd hardly even bothered to care what would happen to theirs.

And god, he really hated himself for it.]

"It's my fault. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn't have put you through that."

Edited 2010-09-18 01:13 (UTC)

I believe my inexperience made things more abrupt than was necessary. [She'll just keep stoically trying to take the blame. For a bit, anyway. There's a pause before she adds,] Would you like a glass of water?

[Kirk starts to shake his head, changed his mind halfway through and started nodding instead.] "Yeah, that's be good, thanks." [He glances up at her for a moment before looking away and staring at the wall.]

"How much did you see?"

[She disappeared into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with a glass of water that gets handed to him. It's an uncomfortable topic, but she doesn't look away from him.]

Likely more than you would have liked me to.

[Jim laughs under his breath, though the sound lacks any humor. He takes the glass of water from her, sips at it a little and then puts it off to the side.]

"And what do you think of me now?"

[T'Pol pauses before she answers, considering him and those emotions, and memories, and feelings.]

I think you're very human. [And look, she's not even saying it like an insult!]

[Kirk... isn't sure if he should be taking that as an insult though. But he still isn't looking directly at her.]

"I'm the Captain of a starship. I can't... I can't afford to be that human." [And how he said that was definitely as an insult.]

[That gets an arched eyebrow and a tilt of her head. oh, Kirk.] Would you prefer to act as an Andorian captain? [She's got an Archerism lined up for you, Jim.]

"I think that'd be too much blue in my life." [Kirk retorted, almost snotty but just on the right side of it without tipping over into it.]

You cannot be a human captain without behaving as a human does. It is very clear that you have grown. [He wasn't the sixteen year old in the bar fight, and he wasn't the man who decided to leave the ship. Growing up happens.]

"Is it?" [Kirk asked, finally turning his sharp gaze to her.]

"I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing again if presented with the same situation now. And would you follow a man like that?"

I followed a man who occasionally ignored my advice so that he would learn lessons for himself. [She arches an eyebrow.] He was not always the captain he is now; you are younger than he was, James. [Names. Names mean shit's serious, son.]

I believe there is a - 'learning curve?'

[Jim starts laughing at that, passing his hand over his face in a resigned sort of way.]

"I looked her in the eye for months and said I wasn't going to give up on her and I did. That's not a learning curve. It's not a one time mistake. It's the person I am."

Will you make more promises you cannot keep? [She tilts her head a little, looking at him thoughtfully. T'Pol isn't really sure how to comfort him.]

[Kirk didn't answer that immediately. He spent a good long while staring at his fingernails, the muscle in his jaw working and then locking up the more he thought about it.]

"I don't know."

Perhaps you should find an answer, then, before you make any promises.

"Then I don't deserve to be a Warden here or a Captain back home, if I can't make anyone a promise."

[That she arches an eyebrow at.] And yet, you're both. [That's gotta mean something.]

[It doesn't really mean a lot to a guy who thinks he fails at life because he got overwhelmed once and made a selfish call because of it.]

"What would you do if you were me?"

[Well that's a tough question. Both eyebrows rise.] I would avoid making a bigger 'deal' of the situation than is necessary. [She thinks he's going to sulk. That won't do anyone any good.]

[Well, he's already sulking about it, so good try.]

"Well I'm not a Vulcan, so that might not work out."

.003 - food for thought

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