captain_jtkirk | .003 - food for thought

[She pulled back as quickly as he did, all but yanking her hand back. She'd had the presence of mind to be careful, to avoid damage to his neural pathways. For a moment, T'Pol sat very still - then she stood, turning toward her low dresser, back to Kirk.

The rush of emotions weren't her own, and it was difficult to suppress them; glimpses of a bar she'd never been to, an Enterprise she'd never set foot on, people she would never know. His memories of the barge were more of the same - unsettling.

It was a few moments before she turned to face him, feeling in control again.]

My apologies.

"Don't." [Kirk said shortly, shaking his head slightly and slowly lowering his hand. He continued to stare at the ground for a long moment, just going over what he remembered.

He remembered giving up. He remembered promising people that he wouldn't leave but when it came down to it, he was too selfish and too cowardly to keep that promise. He remembered that when he was confronted with a choice between his feelings and other people's feelings, he'd hardly even bothered to care what would happen to theirs.

And god, he really hated himself for it.]

"It's my fault. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn't have put you through that."

Edited 2010-09-18 01:13 (UTC)

I believe my inexperience made things more abrupt than was necessary. [She'll just keep stoically trying to take the blame. For a bit, anyway. There's a pause before she adds,] Would you like a glass of water?

[Kirk starts to shake his head, changed his mind halfway through and started nodding instead.] "Yeah, that's be good, thanks." [He glances up at her for a moment before looking away and staring at the wall.]

"How much did you see?"

[She disappeared into the bathroom, coming back a moment later with a glass of water that gets handed to him. It's an uncomfortable topic, but she doesn't look away from him.]

Likely more than you would have liked me to.

[Jim laughs under his breath, though the sound lacks any humor. He takes the glass of water from her, sips at it a little and then puts it off to the side.]

"And what do you think of me now?"

[T'Pol pauses before she answers, considering him and those emotions, and memories, and feelings.]

I think you're very human. [And look, she's not even saying it like an insult!]

[Kirk... isn't sure if he should be taking that as an insult though. But he still isn't looking directly at her.]

"I'm the Captain of a starship. I can't... I can't afford to be that human." [And how he said that was definitely as an insult.]

[That gets an arched eyebrow and a tilt of her head. oh, Kirk.] Would you prefer to act as an Andorian captain? [She's got an Archerism lined up for you, Jim.]

"I think that'd be too much blue in my life." [Kirk retorted, almost snotty but just on the right side of it without tipping over into it.]

You cannot be a human captain without behaving as a human does. It is very clear that you have grown. [He wasn't the sixteen year old in the bar fight, and he wasn't the man who decided to leave the ship. Growing up happens.]

"Is it?" [Kirk asked, finally turning his sharp gaze to her.]

"I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing again if presented with the same situation now. And would you follow a man like that?"

I followed a man who occasionally ignored my advice so that he would learn lessons for himself. [She arches an eyebrow.] He was not always the captain he is now; you are younger than he was, James. [Names. Names mean shit's serious, son.]

I believe there is a - 'learning curve?'

[Jim starts laughing at that, passing his hand over his face in a resigned sort of way.]

"I looked her in the eye for months and said I wasn't going to give up on her and I did. That's not a learning curve. It's not a one time mistake. It's the person I am."

Will you make more promises you cannot keep? [She tilts her head a little, looking at him thoughtfully. T'Pol isn't really sure how to comfort him.]

[Kirk didn't answer that immediately. He spent a good long while staring at his fingernails, the muscle in his jaw working and then locking up the more he thought about it.]

"I don't know."

Perhaps you should find an answer, then, before you make any promises.

"Then I don't deserve to be a Warden here or a Captain back home, if I can't make anyone a promise."

[That she arches an eyebrow at.] And yet, you're both. [That's gotta mean something.]

[It doesn't really mean a lot to a guy who thinks he fails at life because he got overwhelmed once and made a selfish call because of it.]

"What would you do if you were me?"

[Well that's a tough question. Both eyebrows rise.] I would avoid making a bigger 'deal' of the situation than is necessary. [She thinks he's going to sulk. That won't do anyone any good.]

[Well, he's already sulking about it, so good try.]

"Well I'm not a Vulcan, so that might not work out."

You asked my advice. [God, stop acting like Archer.] Stop sulking.

"I'm brooding. It's different."

[And she's arching an eyebrow. Is it, Jim, really?] In what way?

.003 - food for thought

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