captain_jtkirk | .016 - I don't think any part of this post is public, sorry :c

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.016 - I don't think any part of this post is public, sorry :c

[Private to the Admiral]

Please bring Shego back.

[Filtered to Shego's friends - you decide if you're on this filter. Oh yeah and it's Text cause Kirk is pissed :c]

Shego was murdered today. She's fine now. She's in the Infirmary. The person who did it is in Zero. I'm not going to tell you who it was, so don't even ask. If you can figure it out, then congratulations. I'm just not encouraging any reciprocal violence.

I ask that you refrain from going to visit her for at least a day.

Please.

[Private to Seven]

Your Inmate is in Zero. I stunned and put him there for killing Shego. I trust that you're going to take adequate care of this from this point forward. [read: Punish him before I kill him and you :c]

[Private to Tim]

Please cooperate with me on this. I don't know what I'm going to do yet but don't expect any alone time with Shego for a while. I know you're upset and worried, and so am I but I need you to put being her boyfriend on the back burner for a few days.

[Private to Leia]

What am I doing here

I don't

I guess it doesn't really matter if I'm here or not.

[Spam for Shego]

[Kirk hasn't moved from her bedside since the Incident. The second he got the Joker into Zero, he made his way back to the Infirmary to take up a seat and viciously attack his PADD with a stylus while he tried to write something that wasn't conveying every single bitter feeling he was going through at the moment. It ended up being something that he gave up on for a few hours, going back to tinkering with the biosensor program he'd started to develop, which was just so utterly useless right now that it just made him even more irritated.

Goddamn the Joker. And goddamn this place. And especially goddamn Shego because he wasn't sure, he couldn't know until she woke up, but he would bet his ship and his life that she'd antagonized him further.

Jim was torn between wanting to hug her and then strangle her. So he just settled with glaring at her unconscious form.]

[ooc: So it has yet to be completely logged out but Naomi and Nemo have assured me that the Joker is going to off Shego in this thread and then Naomi said to just go ahead and do the warden thing today, the day it happened, as opposed to waiting on it to finish. So I am. It is also being assumed that Kirk stunned the Joker and threw him in Zero.]

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"I don't know. But it's not really suicide so much when you're over it in a week."

"You went out of your way to die. You made it happen. That's fucking suicide. You really think that's going to help you sleep better? Knowing that you let someone else kill you? Do you have any idea of how insane that sounds?"

"OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW."

She shoved the sheets away from her body in a sudden hot rush of rage, swinging her legs over the side, her forearms engulfed in green energy. She'd wanted to get up off the bed and walk away but it wasn't happening; this was her third death toll and she hadn't understood they got worse until she realised she could barely feel her leg.

"You think I like being this total psychotic? You think I like being compared to Joker? You think I'm having fun?!" She reached out for something, anything to take her rage out on, grabbed a jug of water on the nightstand and hurled it at the opposite wall. It was plastic and clattered harmlessly to the floor, which made her even angrier.

"I hate this. I hate that this fucking place finally got to me. You want to know why I thought it'd be a good idea? I DON'T KNOW." Mostly using her arms, she hauled herself off the bed and turned to face Kirk, her legs numb and shaking underneath her. There were tears pouring down her face. She knew it was ugly.

"After the engine room I came back and I was broken, okay? I came back and I was wrong. And if I died again I thought - fuck, I don't know - "

Her legs gave out. She slid down to her knees, arms splayed across the bed, her face against the sheet.

Jim jumped with surprise when she started yelling at him, and when she got out of bed, he was out of the chair in the same instant, ready to catch her if she fell or tried to make a run for it. Which obviously she couldn't but he wouldn't put it past her to try and then hurt herself in the process.

When her knees gave out, he moved forward and pulled her into his arms, more or less manhandling her into a cuddle on the edge of the bed. Because it was the only thing he could think of to do. He knew about PTSD in theory but seeing it right in front of him wiped all of that Starfleet training out of his head.

So he didn't actually have anything to say in that moment. The only thing he could do was keep a tight, hopefully reassuring arm around her, and wipe away the tear tracks on her face with his other hand.

She hated this. She hated his hand on her face and his arm around her, she hated the pity, she hated having to blow a gasket in earshot of the entire Infirmary before he could show her anything except anger. But all she could really do was struggle like an angry kitten, so she just scraped up what was left of her dignity and went slack under his arm, ducking her chin down so any view of her face would be lost under her hair.

Kirk was really in over his head, that was the conclusion he came to as he sat there with her. He didn't know how to fix this, he didn't know the right thing to say to make her feel better. Hell, he couldn't even give her solid advice on what to do because it wasn't like he ever dealt with trauma in a healthy way either, though he just preferred to brood instead of acting out.

"There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling," Jim said finally, the words feeling hollow even to himself, but just... fuck. Fuck, he needed someone like Bones to dole out the peptalks because he sucked at them.

"When you have more of your strength back, we're going to figure something out. Get you talking to someone, get some sleeping pills. I'm still keeping a close eye on you. And we are going to find something that helps."

"Why would I want sleeping pills when I don't wanna sleep?"

Kirk's reassurances felt false and contrived, but she didn't say anything else. The adrenaline had swept through and taken all her energy with it; she would have wanted to just keel over and fall asleep if the idea wasn't so utterly terrifying. She slid out from under his arm and lay down, staring at the wall still bearing a long splatter of water.

Kirk didn't point out the irony of her not wanting to sleep. He just sighed and reached over to put a hand on her shoulder. After her outburst, he felt the need to apologize to her for his anger earlier. Which was still there but diminished considerably.

"Whether you want to believe it or not, I do care about you and I'm here whenever you need someone. So please don't push me away."

He hadn't asked about the engine room fiasco. Maybe he'd talked to the others, maybe he'd (correctly) assumed she would have lied to him, but he hadn't even asked. And that made it extra-difficult to believe that he could be here for her now, when he'd had to push her into going nuclear before realising there was something wrong that he couldn't just solve with force.

"Okay." 'Whatever' would have just pissed him off but by this point they felt like they meant the same thing.

He seemed to sense that wasn't really going to work and he didn't have high hopes for it either. This whole thing had been a blow he hadn't seen coming and didn't have a contingency plan for. She'd been in deep shit and he hadn't noticed enough, hadn't done enough, hadn't been able to look past his own problems long enough to do more than be suspicious of her from a distance. And he felt the guilt of that and really had no idea how to fix it. He was still mad at her too, even if he didn't have the right to be.

"Do you need anything?"

She needed a lot. A huge amount. But none of it was really quantifiable and there wasn't anything on her mental list that Kirk could have gotten for her anyway, so she just shook her head.

"No."

Whether she really was doing it or not, he couldn't say but it felt like she was just shutting him out again and that brought a fresh wave of frustration that he had to fight. Because goddamnit, he wanted to hit something right now.

"Well if you change your mind, I'll be here."

"I know." She almost wanted to say that his being there clearly wasn't something she could necessarily rely on, but she didn't feel like starting another fight just then. Maybe later she'd pick up on how his anger felt like it had more to do with his guilt and sense of inadequacy than anything she'd done. Maybe not. She hadn't ever felt so tired.

Jim sighed again, giving her shoulder one last squeeze before he slid off the edge of the bed and went back to his chair. "You're not off the hook, but I'm waiting until you get out of here to have that conversation. I want your head clear when we talk."

She laughed hollowly. "Yeah, I'll feel way better after I've had a few days to not sleep."

Kirk felt a fresh wave of irritation and had to refrain from offering to sock her and knock her out so she could get some sleep.

"So you'll be in the same mood and I'll be less irritated with you, so really you win, and there's no need to complain."

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.016 - I don't think any part of this post is public, sorry :c

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